Dear Most Effecient One...
I tried different people to compare you with and I couldn't...what I am challenging myself these days for is purely some sort of a sureal involvement if you want me to put it that way...I never got off , trust me, thinking of purely life-coming facts and simple ever present things like kids or family or some kind of a material endorsment...I care more for pages and paper then for my own existance...what is it then?
Is it some problem that we are talking here, problem of deviation of a social character...is it some things that I took too much for granted... see I used to adore ( I still do thou he is dead) this guy...help me... oh yes... Gordon Matta-Clark...I felt truly emtionally abused first time I saw him cutting that side of the sixteen century building in Paris... I would get outraged, My Goddess... Notions between myself and my mother went way down the tubes decades ago...She used to come at night I remember at our place in Sunnyslope pouring candle wax on my forehead...what I could have done..I was seven years old back then.... I berried her in my mind ..I berried her literally as well... Now, same thing here occurs as with that Mata-Clark feedback driven feeling... Have you ever read Maltaverne ? I never shared a simple second of regret toward my monsterous parent..never ever.... Then of course, I start reading Mauriac... I read Viper's Tangle the I read Maltaverne... I was gonna cry my self away... I never moaned over my stupid fate that much... What for... who would care of that at the first place.. I told you how my only daughter is in Michigan...
anyways.... that is exactly when I started hating Celine... I wish De Gaulle got some rael gallows for that dush...no seriously , no kidding..
by the way, My Meaning , how you doing in terms of retro scale of a world's finest literature in general, tell me? See, I can't grant much difference between Dickens or Stevenson or later Andrich or Steinback... everything is more then a simple language with a never doubtful most immaculate narrative form... We lived those forms...that is how our lives were structure by, if you ever think...take David Copperfield... most visiable fable structure with a simple access to anyone...
take The Bridge over Drina... it is like you listen your grandmother or her first door dull-day-filled neighbour... still people will suck it... Take East of Eden...what better then that..I adore the work..till I was twentyeight and had my first miscarriage... some decades later I will read that Viper Tangle thing... actually, first The Desert Of Love... so I say to you, finally after reading Maltaverne..no way, I won't cry no more...but I won't read any of them simple fables ever again neither...no metter what the word is or what kind of prize has been shipped from the swedish academy...
I can't remember but I think Nitche was saying how for own good is the sooner the better we realize how the planet is regulary directed and inpowered but the stupidest people on the planet...I doubted the thought for half of my life and I can only tell you that the guy was perfectly right...it is all in us after the curtain is down...it is all about our simple meanings, our top nudge appetites which leads to our never accomplished dreams, which leads to new appetites which produce even more demading fantasies...oh well...
Gao Xingjian had a line in his Soul Mountain that was sort of for me understandable, at least from the practical prospective, now what do you think, My Mistress? Lack of destination makes a perfect traveler... I don't know was that simply jacked from some Tao book , or a buddhist genre or some other wise crack... but I though and thought and split my head in half over that... it is all over the same good bottom level again... the more you aiming to, the less you find and it makes you, all over again, terribly unhappy... And when you live darkness on the top of it ( as myself do)...oh...what is the internal salvation that is offerd to me, honestly..?
and don't think there is one left out there at all...
So I carry these rotten pears of my and only for the fact that if I let's say completley disregard them, this tree of mine ( what I still call a physical substance known as my own body frame) will bound to the ground in metter of second...
Little bit lower ( can barely see these days because of my damaged spine but I can sense ), my puss developed an awful stench...It is one of those things, let's say, when I used to live in downtown los angeles... we could here singing of (birds) at night, right?...wrong...
it took us three months to figure out how we are not hearing a father angel, not once...we were hearing god damned rats...yeap....
these days ,at least for me it is all upside down...I pee on my backside and when I shit I shit my clitoris...Doctor Lanz lives way away in Chandler....it is a long drive especially in my shape...he told me how they call those things a misintegrated body development...It is some sort of a flop of a cervical system that affects my discharging activites.. he thinks how we will never find a fix for this thing...It don't bother me on a long term, cause ,hahaa...no long term, at least not form me, My Goddess... the only thing is that eating my polish helper shit I guess I caught clymidia so it feels like I piss razors and if you doing it on ass it gets even worse....
I so much want to thank you for taking time on this correspodance and hope you recevied my money order on threehundred euros too....I have no words to express how honored I am just by knowing you on this very much basic term... After all, I can only assumed how you don't have many things left unaccomplished, bottom line, for who you are..Must be sort of thing why, remember, Rock Hudson or Montgomery Clift , why they all went gay...That is of course, the prospective from where I see you romancing this eightyone year old of the same sex...oh..This is all so welcoming from my parts and thank god from your part too..while sitting by the desk in your house in Hamburg you still insisting on me wearing white...You are taking me as snow and what will you do? dismiss me by the spring?....No you said once...the casket will be shaped for you much earlier...to make things smooth and to form your limbs comfortable..oh...it took me my entire life to realize that hollywood drill...it is so hard to be a hot girlfriend and thank you for making me one even thou so much late...and then the side of the story that you mentioned earalier how the lack of nutritions in Russian caused the entire insideness of you to turn into rubber...smell that kills when burning...the most extreme black that is ever to be decribed by human eyes....but so strong and protective...I love rubber in that case...can't beat the aroma...
excuse my manners but it is not me in this case...I have to put this letter on hold for now for reasons of Goyka ( my polish helper)...she eat shnizzle in paprika today and she just regrouped her intestins and farted like a wounded messershimth...I,ll never clean this clymidia with this kind of living...just as they were teaching us when we were kids...eat healthy , eat well...
No comments:
Post a Comment